The Matchmaker
by The Eternal Optimist
Summary: This story is very, very, strange. But readers with warped minds may find it funny. Usagi and all the Senshi have to go to a matchmaker, but the matchmaker isn't the greatest in the world...please read this!!!
1. The Matching

This is a very strange story that I wrote a long time ago and I finally decided to put it on here. It stinks, so please feel free to say that in many different forms in your reviews. Thank You! Well, I'll shut my mouth and let you read it.  
Disclaimer: You've read enough disclaimers to know the basic content. Fill in your own._________ Also, I don't own the cream crackers. They belong to Robby Doyle.  
  
  
The Matchmaker: chapter one-The Matching   
By The Eternal Optimist  
  
Usagi: I have terrible, terrible news!!!  
Rei: *sarcastically* What, did the Hershey's company go out of business?  
Ami: What is the problem?  
Usagi: Mom is taking me to a matchmaker, and you have to go to 'cause our @%&! Mothers talked it over in the phone!! * breaks down, starts sobbing hysterically *  
Minako: * scream *   
Makoto: They can't do this to us!!  
Rei: You've got to be kidding.   
Chibi-Usa: She's not.   
Makoto: How do you know?   
Chibi-Usa: I have to go too.   
Readers: That is revolting Chibi-Usa is too young to be married!  
Author: Well in India people can get married at 9 months old, now shut up and let me get back to the story.  
  
* at Setsuna's house *  
  
Michiru: They can't control our lives! They can't force us to go!!  
Setsuna: It's no use, they made the appointment. * sighs *  
Haruka: What if I'm already matched??!!  
Setsuna: (disgustedly) They're American, all they've seen is the dubs of us.  
Michiru: You mean they think we're cousins?!  
Setsuna: Yup.  
Hotaru: ????  
Setsuna: oh, Hotaru, right. You see, Bunny's #$!@ mom is making us go to a matchmaker, and we're adults!!  
Haruka: !   
Michiru: %&?@  
Setsuna: %#&!  
Hotaru: * faints *  
Angel: What Vile Language!!!  
The Eternal Optimist: Who invited YOU??? (menacing glare)  
Angel: Um..oops, I've, uh, got to go to my appointment w/ God right now. Yeah, I do. Um, bye-bye!  
EXIT ANGEL  
Setsuna: (looks at Hotaru) Oh #%@#.  
  
*At the matchmaker's*  
  
Usagi: Who's first?  
Ami: I think we all go in at the same time.  
Minako: OK(all go into matchmaker's room)  
Matchmaker: Heeelloooo, my dahlings. Who shall be first?  
Minako: Me! Memememememe!!!!  
Rei: Figures  
Matchmaker: Matchmaker: All right. After much consideration and some help from your muzzer, this is to be your new fiancée.   
*enter old bald unsexy millionaire)  
Old Bald Millionaire(OBM): Greetings my love !   
Minako: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
(wails for 5 hours w/ no interruption then passes out)  
Ami: I believe her continuous emitting of unnaturally high-pitched sound waves has permanently damaged my inner eardrum.  
Rei: Hmmm? I can't hear you...  
Makoto: Who goes next...   
All: Not me!!  
Rei: Let's draw straws...  
ENTER OUTER SCOUTS AND CHIBI-USA  
Usagi: Hi! (to other inner scouts) Let's make them go next.  
Makoto: Hotaru! What are you doing here?  
Hotaru: Bunny's mom said I had to come too *sniff*  
Chibi-Usa: This is crazy, making us kids get married!!!  
Usagi: And unfair, if Chibi-Usa gets Mamoru I'll scream.  
Rei: Uh-huh(under her breath) Not like you don't do the same thing when your dessert is gone.  
Matchmaker: Ahem.  
Setsuna: Ummmm, uhhh.... (Looks at Ami)  
Ami: All right, I'll accept the challenge to let this asinine woman attempt to pair me with another Homo sapiens of the male gender.  
Matchmaker: Here is your soon-to-be husband, and may your life together be happy and wonderful!!!!!!  
* Mamoru stumbles in, looking confused *  
Usagi: There must have been a mistake...  
Rei: Oh, darn. I wanted Mamoru.  
Ami: x=y+62 over 8/5 + the square root of Q. Isn't that fascinating? Blah blah blah blah...  
Mamoru: Usagi, what do I do?  
Usagi: Oh, Mamoru...(they run into each others arms and kiss passionately like they always do)  
Chibi-Usa: I think I'm going to throw up  
Haruka: *sweatdrop*  
Michiru: how sweet!  
Matchmaker: *gasps* how dare you!! (grabs Usagi) Here's your husband!   
* And none other but Rei's Grandpa walks in and promptly kisses Usagi on the lips*   
Rei: This is humiliating...  
Chibi-Usa: Poor Bunny...  
Makoto: What is he doing?!  
Rei: You know my grandpa well enough to figure that out.  
Usagi: It's a dream...it's a dream...  
Rei: No it's not...no it's not...  
Usagi: Mamoru-  
Matchmaker: You shall never speak to Mamoru again!  
Usagi: You can't stop me!!  
Matchmaker: NO but my hypnotist can.  
Readers: Where did the hypnotist come from?  
Author: The matchmaker makes friends with all sorts of oddities.  
Enter Hypnotist  
Hypnotist: Look deeply into my eyes  
Usagi: Ok.  
Hypnotist: You are getting sleepy...very sleepy,,  
Rei: Shouldn't she know his routine by now?  
* Usagi falls asleep *  
Rei: Guess not.  
Hypnotist: You will do what I say. When you awaken from your slumber, Rei's grandpa will be the love of your life.  
Usagi: Rei's-grandpa-is-the-love-of-my-life.  
Hypnotist: You will wake when I say " Rutabagas" Rutabagas!  
Usagi: Huh? Where am I? Where's my beloved???  
Rei's grandpa(RG): I am right here, babe!!!(Rush to each other)   
Mamoru: *shocked* Usagi! What is the meaning of this?!  
Haruka: Ok, I'm getting sick of all this %$#@&*% @#!&%. Give me my match, you scumbag!!  
Matchmaker: Here he is and I hope he works out, this one put up quite a struggle!!  
* Enter our favorite general Kunzite, being held by 2 men whose faces are black and blue *  
Kunzite: This author made sure I wasn't evil anymore, but I can still get mad.  
Haruka: I know what you mean by getting mad  
Kunzite: Oh, thank God you're not in love w/ me. I mean, no offense to you, but I'm with-  
* Both look over to see Zoisite and Michiru shouting at the Matchmaker, and both seem to be saying, 'I'm already matched, you %$#@#!!!' *   
Haruka: Him, by any chance? I'm actually partnered with your partners "match"...this is crazy.  
  
Soon the pairs are....  
  
Ami&Mamoru  
Usagi&Rei's grandpa  
Chibi-Usa&NOBODY!!!! She had such a big temper tantrum her fiancée left...  
Haruka&Kunzite  
Michiru&Zoisite  
Minako&the old bald millionaire   
Setsuna&Professor Tomoe  
Hotaru&Helios  
Rei&Melvin  
Makoto&Ash(from Pokemon)   
  
Ami: (staring at Mamoru) Too bad you're meant for Usagi...  
Mamoru, Chibi-Usa: WHAAAAAT???!!!   
Professor Tomoe: I don't have time for all this marriage nonsense; I've got to work on my Very Important Science Experiments!!!! Oh, $%#@.  
Chibi-Usa: Cool! $%#@!  
Usagi: My love, come to my arms!  
RG: YOU GOTIT!  
  
This is the end of part 1. Wow!!! Isn't that fascinating! Sorry...Anyway, please review, and as long as you don't just put 'lol' which I don't consider feedback, you can type whatever you like. Flames wanted, they're so interesting to me!!! ^_^  
Au Revoir, mon petite chou!  
(goodbye, my little cabbages!)  
-The Eternal Optimist  
P.S A NOTE FROM THE CREAM CRACKERS: When you put your feet in water, they get wet. Isn't that interesting?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Bye Bye Minako

The Eternal Optimist makes her entrance once more...the second chapter is out. Again, this story is dumb but amusing to write, so flames are welcome. However, if you are a Minako fan, then you might not like this chapter. But Minako is just a bimbo, and I can't stand to write about her anymore, she makes me sick.  
Disclaimer: SM is NOT MINE. I mean, this wouldn't be called fanfiction.net unless fans wrote the stories. Duh. The cream crackers belong to Robby Doyle and I am sorry if they give you nightmares.  
  
The Matchmaker  
By The Eternal Optimist  
  
Makoto: Usagi, are you feeling all right?   
Usagi: Of course. I'm just despairing for my love is away today.  
Rei: (Whispers to Ami) He's out buying Usagi underwear.  
Chibi-Usa: Where's Hotaru?  
Makoto: That ******* Eternal Optimist forgot who Hotaru was matched to so Hotaru isn't in this chapter.  
The Eternal Optimist: Watch it...I could kill you in this if I so chose...  
Makoto: Sorry.  
Chibi-Usa: Ah, I wish I were back in the good old days, when anyone of any age could have a grade-A temper tantrum, and then we wouldn't be in this mess.  
Ami: * Enthusiastically * Guess what?  
All, expectant of a solution: What?  
Ami: 86%=y-qx+5 over the square root of 12.  
All: *sweatdrop*  
Makoto: Hey, Ash here just taught me a cool song!  
Ami: (interested) What?  
Rei: Oh NO!   
Makoto: POKEMON!! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!  
Ash: *holding a fake microphone up to his mouth, acting like a rock star about to sing something cool, but...*   
WHAT KIND OF POKEMON ARE YOU, WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
Rei: I knew it...oh #$%@.  
  
(Meanwhile, at Minako's house, our favorite (ha!) bimbo scout is feeling depressed! What a terrible shame. Let's see what's going on...;-)  
Minako: This is Devastating...(oh, wait, Mina-san wouldn't have that expansive a vocabulary...how about...)  
This is really, really bad...I just thought I had a life, and then my world turned upside down...  
(Notice that she doesn't think of just getting the heck out of Tokyo and eloping with a guy she likes...what an idiot.)  
I've been stupid, maybe I deserve this...  
(She's recognizing her stupidity, maybe she'll be cured...)  
I should have married that guy I had sex with just to assure I had a hottie fiancée...  
(OK, she's hopeless)  
The video game is better than me...  
(Yup, the video game's interesting. Well, now back to the Inner Scouts.)  
  
Rei: Usagi, where are you off to tonight?  
Usagi: *giggles* My love and I are going out!  
Makoto: Oh my God...  
Rei: *stomps up to Usagi* Snap out of it!  
Usagi: What do you mean? I've got to go, I'm late.  
Makoto: *darkly* We better follow her...  
(We go now w/ the Inner Scouts to an old abandoned alley...)  
Ami: This does not appear to be the ideal location for a young male and female to engage in romantic conversation. It is statistically shown that both genders find that a well-furnished place of eating with a view of the earth's daily cycle is most preferable, although while engaging in sexual activity they blah blah blah blah blah...  
Chibi-Usa: Whatever you do, don't look over there, because Usagi and her 'love' are-  
Makoto: That is DISGUSTING!!  
Rei: Oh. My. God. That. Is. Not. Pretty.  
Chibi-Usa: %$#@&%$! If %$#@ Usagi and Mamoru don't get together, then I won't exist! &%$#$^%#&.....  
(And we'll leave Chibi-Usa shouting a long line of profanity and return to Minako.)  
  
Minako: I'm always the lesser one w/ weaker attacks w/ corny names...  
(She's got it right. I mean, come on. How could something called 'Venus Love And Beauty Shock' hurt anyone! )  
Everyone hates me...even this fanfiction.net author does...  
(YES!! She's lowering her self-esteem. This just might work...)  
I'm useless and I can't marry that man...I'll do what must be done, and may the world be better for it!!!  
(And now we get back to the gang.)  
  
Usagi: I feel refreshed!  
Makoto: She's gotta be either sick, mad, crazy, insane, or under hypnotic control.  
Rei: I think it's the latter choice. We saw what happened at the matchmakers...  
Ami: Where is Mina-san? I have not seen her for a long period of time.  
Makoto: Let's stop by her house.  
*At Minako's house*  
Makoto: Hello-o? Knock knock!  
Rei: Oh let's just go in.  
(all see poor Minako lying dead on the floor...yes, my plan worked!)  
Ami: Oh my god...  
Makoto: (sobs hysterically)  
Rei, Usagi, Chibi-Usa, The Eternal Optimist: Hurrah!  
Ami: Did she commit suicide?  
Chibi-Usa: (gleefully) Probably.  
(AN: I am not in any way promoting suicide but having an anime character commit suicide non-graphically does not seem to me to be encouraging suicide in any way. If you are going to commit suicide go and get help. You won't regret it. Shakespeare(my god!!) and his friends believed in the wheel of fortune. If you're at the bottom of the wheel right now, it will spin!!!! Trust me. Optimism is the best policy^_^)  
Makoto: She was a bimbo anyway...  
Usagi: That's the spirit!  
(They all link arms and go off singing 'We're Off To See The Wizard' and they happen upon Zoisite, Kunzite, Haruka, and Michiru)  
Kunzite; We've got a plan...  
  
Ok. That was part 2. Please review!  
  
P.S. A Note From The Cream Crackers: When you turn off a lamp, it gets dark. Isn't that interesting?  
  
-The Eternal Optimist  
  



	3. Shotgun Weddding

Here it is-the long awaited last chapter!!!! The story gets a little more interesting here, and a sequel will come if I get real reviews. PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK!!! NOT LOL!!!!! Thanks...Anyways, disclaimer=annoying garbage so I'll make it short...I do not own any of these characters...never have, never will...sometimes ff.net seems like one big disclaimer. Well, read the story now.  
  
The Matchmaker  
Part 3-Shotgun Wedding  
By: The Eternal Optimist  
  
Makoto: Usagi, you love Mamoru!! You even got reincarnated to be with him, don't waste that-  
Usagi: *sobbing* But I love Rei's gorgeous Grandpa!!!  
Rei: We reeeeeaally need to find a hypnotist. Now!!! This is just humiliating...my own grandfather...  
Ami: Why do we not consult the large volume with golden-shade pages?  
The Eternal Optimist: Translation=Why don't we look in the Yellow Pages?  
Makoto: Uh...okay, let's.  
  
*And we cut from the scene of the Inner Senshi trying to decipher Ami's language to Hotaru, Haruka, Michiru, and Setsuna, our favorite Outer Senshi. *  
  
Michiru: Now remember. This plan is ONLY for the matchmaker, NOT Zoisite, he's becoming a really great friend actually. I just a-dore his personality-  
Haruka: *steam coming out of ears* WHAT DID YOU SAY?????!!!!  
Michiru: Oh you silly Haruka-chan, not in that way, you know I would never cheat on you!  
Haruka: Humph.  
Michiru: Professor T, honey, please don't do the evil laughter thing at the wedding. It's just not all that attractive...  
Professor Tomoe: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
Hotaru: daddy's acting strange...  
Haruka: We hadn't noticed.  
*phone rings*  
Michiru: Oh hel-lo-o, Zoisite!  
*pause* 'Ruka, I think the, er, cat wants to go out.   
EXIT HARUKA   
Michiru: Ye-es, I'll pick you up at half past 8 and we'll drive to that little chic café downtown! Perf! Bye, babe.  
*click*  
Setsuna: You're skating on thin ice, Michiru. Are you going to actually get married...?  
Michiru: Well, I kind of have to...because...ummmm...I'm sort of-  
Setsuna: Oh no. Michiru, you didn't. Please tell me you aren't...you know  
Michiru: Pregnant.  
Setsuna: %$#$!  
Hotaru: ???  
Angel: Setsuna, you shall burn in the fires of hell!!!  
Setsuna: This is hell. Now please to get out of my living room...  
Angel: You are lost...  
Exit Michiru, Hotaru, Angel  
*phone rings*  
Setsuna: *to herself* Oh @#$% it. *picks up phone* Who is this?  
Makoto on phone: Hi! We got a hypnotist for Usagi, but now she's despairing for Mamoru. Operation Shotgun Wedding starts tomorrow at 2:00 pm. Bye!  
*click*  
Setsuna: You know, I almost pity Usagi...just goes to show that love will get you nothing but anguish...anguish and pain...Little Usagi may not be quite so optimistic after the unexpected part of their little shotgun wedding. *pulls out handgun* Mamoru...Pluto will have her vengeance.  
  
*now to the wedding!!!*  
The Eternal Optimist: The mothers of the Senshi are too cheap to have a lot of weddings, so, they're having a joint one. Got it? Ok, I'll go back to typing the story now...  
Usagi: Who's getting married first?  
Chibi-Usa: Makoto and Ash. Looks like the whole crew has showed up...  
Rei: What's going on? I feel something evil in this place...  
Misty: Hello. Ash! It's so nice to see you!!! I got a new Pokemon. Mareep! Isn't she cute?  
BLAM  
*Mareep falls over, dead as a doornail*  
Misty; Mareep! Mareep...MAREEP! Talk to me...oh God, why...  
Usagi: What was that?!  
Ash: Misty, it's ok...*looks up* what's going on here?  
Rei: ...not an evil person, necessarily, but one who has given up...Someone here is dangerous and armed...  
Makoto: Let's transform, guys!  
Others: Got it!  
Moon Crisis Power !!  
Mars Crystal Power!!!   
Mercury Crystal Power!!!  
Jupiter Crystal Power!!  
Uranus Planet Power!!!  
  
Uranus: Where's Michi? Probably with that **** Zoisite  
(in a restaurant)  
Michiru: Oh, Zoisite, this is DIVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!  
(Back to the wedding)  
Rei: (to herself) And where's Pluto...could it be?  
Jupiter: Ah, forget them.  
Moon: *runs up to matchmaker* You evil scum! How dare you force us to wed at this young age!!  
Chibi Moon: Especially at my veeery young age!!!  
Moon: Super Sailor Moon!  
Chibi Moon: Super Sailor Chibi Moon!  
Both Moons: In place of the Moon, you're punished!!!!!!!  
Moooon Gorgeous...MEDITA-  
BLAM  
(Mamoru falls to the ground, dead-or almost falls, but then-)  
Pluto: TIME STOP!!!  
(Everything freezes...except for the Senshi. I'll write in story form now...)  
All the Senshi looked around, dazed, at first not realizing who it must have been. Then Mercury cried out, "Pluto!"  
Jupiter said quietly, "You broke the third taboo, Pluto..."  
"Yes."  
"But why...? To sacrifice yourself now...for what purpose? Why commit suicide without a point?!" Ami cried out, frustrated at the problem she couldn't figure out. "Why, For the love of God, why?!"   
Setsuna smiled. "But it did have a purpose, Ami." She looked at Sailor Moon. " I wanted to give myself time to explain my reasons before you could destroy me for the death of Mamoru."  
Mars stared at the gun in Pluto's hand, disbelieving. It couldn't be...my senses were correct? But it can't be true, can it? She remembered something I can't...oh God, Usagi...  
The realization hit Usagi after Rei. Nobody there would ever forget that piercing cry of anguish and pain, ringing out through the silent church.   
"MAMORU!"   
Usagi looked at Setsuna with grief in her eyes. " Setsuna, why...you couldn't have ever done this..." She looked down at Mamoru's body and then up with hatred at Setsuna. "I trusted you..."  
" I pity you, Usagi," Pluto said coldly, "But I remember telling you-and Mamoru-that in the end love would get you nothing but pain..." She looked down. " I sacrificed myself for one purpose...to tell you the reality. This is what I shall do. You cannot attack me in this stopped time...and maybe," she said, eyes blazing, "you will see your precious Mamoru as he really is!"  
  
Well, that's the end of "The Matchmaker". But the sequel, "Too Far" will come out at say, the middle of August. And thank u for using the trash containers.   



End file.
